your demons look like mine
by halcyon epochs
Summary: he's gone, she's a wreck :: happy jily death day, everyone (i promise there isn't death)


**Dedicated to Petals (petals-to-fish) because this is all her fault. Love you, Petals darling.**

 **Very AU. Happy end of Jilytober, everyone.**

 **ALso warning for implied torture, profanity, and creepiness.**

* * *

He's been gone for over a year, and everyone is a wreck.

 _She's_ a wreck.

* * *

" _Do you really have to go?" she murmurs, cupping his face in her hands._

 _Even as she says those words, sees the regret flit through his eyes, she knows his mind is already made up. He's going, as much as she hates it._

" _I'll be back before you know it," he promises, kissing her sweetly and chastely. "Try not to miss me too much, okay?"_

* * *

She misses him so much. She thinks about him every day. What he's doing, whether he's alive or dead, captive or free.

* * *

 _She nods. "I love you," she tells him._

" _I love you too." He brushes his lips against hers once more, gives her one last smile, and then he's gone._

* * *

It tears her apart. Her heart cracks down the middle a little more with each passing day. Without him, the sun seems to shine a little less, the vibrant colors of spring seem duller.

* * *

 _His eyes burn with intensity as he begs for mercy, his face streaked with blood and filth._

" _Lily!" he pleads desperately. "Lily!"_

" _James!" she cries, reaching for him. "Hold on, I'm coming!"_

" _Lily!" he keeps shouting. "Lily!"_

Every time, she wakes up feeling like she's been _Crucio_ ed a hundred times, and it's the worst feeling in the world.

His tortured face etched on the back of her eyelids makes it even more crucifying.

(That is only the first dream.)

* * *

She deliberately disobeys the Order's orders and goes searching for him on her own. She can't sit around and _wait_ while her husband is out there somewhere, helpless and endangered.

She sneaks out under the cover of darkness, a rucksack strapped on her back and wand in hand. Sirius, who is on guard duty in the living room (Moody had stationed him there to ensure Lily wouldn't sneak out, which is a complete lack of insight on his part) and is also very conveniently sound asleep.

Moody'll have his head in the morning, but it's for the best.

* * *

She dreams of James again that night, cocooned in a blanket in a threadbare tent. It's not the same dream, but it's equally horrifying.

James is trussed and gagged this time, and his hazel eyes shine brighter than before. Lily's heart beats madly against her ribs as he stares at her with those soulful eyes.

And then, there's a creak and James breaks his gaze from hers, his eyes narrowing.

"Are you ready, Potter?" an ominously sinister voice jeers. "I have something special in store for you today."

Lily's blood runs cold. James's eyes return to hers, a silent plea in the despairing depths.

 _I'm coming,_ she vows. _Stay strong, my love…_

She wakes up with a new sense of determination. She will find him even if she has to walk through hell and back.

* * *

Sirius wakes up to the morning sun on his face. He stretches luxuriously on the couch, blinking away the drowsiness.

He sits up, glances around. The house is oddly quiet. Usually, by this hour, Lily's awake and banging around in the kitchen (he thinks she does on purpose to annoy him; she denies the accusation).

He gets to his feet and trots to her room. Just before he opens the door, he draws his wand, a wicked grin etched on his face.

Payback time.

 _Aguamenti_ and _Rictusempra_ are running through his mind as he pushes the door open…

...only to be greeted by an empty bed.

The first tendrils of panic begin to snake their way to his heart, but he stays calm. Maybe she's in the loo?

But the door to the loo is wide open. One tendril grips his heart like a vice.

"Lily?' he calls tentatively, his hand tight on his wand. "Evans?"

No response. The rest of tendrils wrap around his heart and it starts to pound against his ribs.

 _Where the fuck is she?_

" _Sonorus!"_ And then, he bellows, " _Lily fucking Evans!"_

Silence. Sirius's hand jumps to his hair, unconsciously echoing his best friend's signature move.

 _Fuck, shit, fuck, this can't be good…_

He does the first thing that comes to mind — send a Patronus to Moody.

* * *

Moody is _beyond_ pissed. He'd bypassed livid to _you're a dead man._

Sirius chews his lip, not daring to look him in the eye. If he did, he'd likely disintegrate from the sheer volume of Moody's glare.

Guilt gnaws at his stomach. First James, now Lily — how many more would he lose?

* * *

 **Lily doesn't dare send a letter out of fear of it being intercepted. The last thing she needs is a group of Voldemort's followers on her tail, hindering her efforts.**

(If it were anyone else, they'd probably ignore it. But since the Potters are high on Voldemort's hit list, it's unlikely that they'll just let it be.)

And then there's also the fact that she'd be fighting solo — all in all, it would be a death wish.

So, she takes her chances and sends a Patronus to Sirius (who she imagines is being chewed out by Moody right now). Her doe gallops off into the sunrise.

* * *

Sirius nearly breaks down when he sees a shimmering doe bound through the window. Moody's expression changes from fury to disbelief.

" _Evans?"_ he croaks, as Sirius falls on his knees.

" _I'm safe."_ The doe cocks its head and looks Sirius in the eyes, speaking in Lily's voice. " _Looking for Prongs."_

The doe gives him a sorrowful look before dissipating. Dead silence reigns in the room as everyone processes her words.

Sirius is the first to move, jumping to his feet. "Sweet Merlin," he breathes. "She's gone looking for him. We have to go after her!"

"No." Moody sinks onto a chair. "We need a plan of attack first. We don't where she is, what's she doing, what she's planning — we're essentially going in blindfolded."

Sirius wants to cry with frustration. "You do realize she could be in danger as we speak?" At Moody's gesture towards the spot where the doe had evaporated, he throws his hands into the air. "She might think she's safe, but there could anyone following her. _Anyone!_ Including Volde—" he catches himself, takes a deep breath, and corrects himself calmly, "the chief Death Eater!"

Well, semi-calmly.

"I know that, Black." Moody massages his forehead. "But before we do anything, we need to get Albus up to speed."

Sirius sighs.

* * *

Lily doesn't know _what_ she's doing, but it certainly seems to be getting her somewhere.

She'd altered her appearance to look completely unrecognizable (mostly because her vivid red hair is a dead giveaway). She'd colored her hair blonde, darkened her eyes to a murky green, even increased the pitch of her voice a bit. She has to pull out the stops to ensure she isn't identified.

She'd happened upon a small village and meandered into a small restaurant off the main street in hopes of having a proper place to sit and perhaps have a small, warm drink. And then, she'd seen two cloaked figures walk in, deep in discussion.

Now, she ordinarily isn't an eavesdropper, but one of the words floated out of their conversation — _Potter._

Her interest piqued, she watches the men sit down in the booth behind her.

Her heart thumping, she leans backward as surreptitiously as she can and listens.

"How much longer do you think he'll take to break?" one man asks.

"I don't know, Avery. He's holding up pretty well," the second man answers roughly.

"I mean, he's a Potter. Potters aren't known for being cowards."

"Wonder how his pretty little wife would hold up," the other man says wistfully. "She's a spineless Mudblood, isn't she?"

Lily feels anger flare in her stomach. _I'll show you what this "spineless Mudblood" can do._ But she wisely holds her tongue.

She hears a growl from Avery. "She's fuckable, I'll give her that, but otherwise she's nothing but a Mudblood."

Lily's stomach clenches unpleasantly. If James were here, he would've started a riot right then and there — another painful reminder that he isn't here.

But Lily is so close.

There's a beat of silence behind her, and then Avery asks, "Shall we head back to Malfoy Manor? I hear Voldemort has a special surprise for him tonight."

The other man grunts. A waitress sweeps past Lily's table and takes the men's orders. Lily's heart is beating hard. As the men give their orders, she bolts.

Outside, she checks the perimeter before she fully breaks down. James is being held at _Malfoy Manor. Malfoy_ Manor.

That meant James had been under the Ministry's nose the entire time.

She's going to throttle Lucius the next time she sees him, which could very soon.

Lily knows exactly where the manor is. She had gone there with James for a "pureblood" gala a few months ago — another pang of pain — and the only reason she'd been admitted was that she was a pureblood's wife. Not everyone had been horrible to her (there were _some_ decent purebloods) but the likes of Lucius and his wife had treated her with condescension.

Well, they could take their prejudices and shove it up their snobbish, snooty —

A bell chimed eleven times. It was eleven o'clock, and Lily had to get a move on.

 _Should she send a message to the Order? For backup?_ Even though she is a skilled witch, had been at the top of the Dueling Club at Hogwarts, she could only take only three or four at a time. By estimation, there would probably be at least twenty, including Voldemort himself. Even if James somehow obtained a wand and helped, they would still be outnumbered terribly.

Suffice to say, the odds were not in her favor. She needed help.

* * *

Moody is in the midst of supper when a doe Patronus dashes into his kitchen. He jumps to his feet immediately, drawing his wand, but there's no need.

"Need help." Lily's serene voice floats out of the doe's mouth. "Malfoy Manor. Prongs is there."

The doe vanishes and Moody wastes no time, Apparating away. By his guess, they have until nightfall to summon an army.

* * *

Lily has no idea how the Death Eaters guarding the entrance to the manor had bought her lie and her disguise, but they had and here she is, sneaking through the halls. Well, not sneaking necessarily, since she had "background clearance" and all.

Rather, she's investigating the rooms to see where James could be hidden. Her guess is a cellar or dungeon of some sort, which must be somewhere on the first floor. She strides through the halls, trying to appear confident and at ease. It works. No one stops her.

She peeks in the first door. Nothing of importance. The next room is the kitchen, followed by a bedroom and a loo. A rather swanky one.

And then, Voldemort's voice sounds throughout the house and Lily jumps.

"My friends," he says, his voice low and cold, "it is time for an appearance by our _guest._ Please gather in the entertainment room."

Lily freezes.

 _James._

* * *

Lily stands with her back against the wall, watching Voldemort sweep through the room, assessing each and every one of his followers. Lily holds her breath as he passes close to her, but he merely spares her a glance and continues onward.

At last, he stops in the middle of the room. "Dolohov, Avery, bring out our _guest."_

Lily's breath catches as the two men she'd seen in the restaurant half-dragged, half-led a man from the stairs on the other side of the room. Even though the man looked gaunt and unrecognizable, Lily still identified the trademark messy jet black hair and dull hazel eyes. Her breath hitches.

 _James._

She stares, transfixed, as James is dragged and dropped in front of Voldemort. He struggles to get up and Lily's heart aches. Her first instinct is to rush forward and help him and then, curse every person in this room.

But she has an image to keep up.

James manages to stand up and glare defiantly at Voldemort, but the flame is weak in his eyes. It's clear he's almost lost hope.

"Mister Potter," Voldemort drawls. "How lovely for you to join us."

James doesn't retort, probably to save his breath. Voldemort takes advantage of his silence.

"My, my, look at the great Potter heir now," he taunts. "I was under the impression that the Potters were famous for their bravery. Well, look at you."

James says nothing, and Lily wants nothing more than to speak.

"It's a pity your father died a painless death, especially after all of his misdeeds. However, I will still receive a chance to grant his son a slow, painful death."

James twitches. Lily prays for a knight in shining armor —

 _BANG!_ Moody blasts open the door, his eyes aflame.

— well, close enough.

"Charge!" he cries and the Order surges into battle. Lily's surprised; they appear to have no strategy, just recklessness.

She doesn't care, because she's running forward, reaching for James —

— and a Stunning Curse aimed at her forces her to redirect her path, running towards Moody.

"Hold your fire!" she shouts at Moody. "It's me, Lily!"

Moody's eyes are won't believe her unless he's presented with concrete proof.

"You call me Evans, even though I don't go by that anymore!" she says, raising her voice. "My Patronus is a doe! The first words you ever told me were 'Constant vigilance, Evans!'"

Moody's face relaxes by a fraction. He sends a Stunning Spell over her shoulder. "All right, I believe you, Evans! Go save your husband!"

Lily needs no more convincing. She races towards James, wand in hand, firing spells left and right. She knocks Avery out, sends a Conjunctivitis Curse at Dolohov, and both fall backwards.

"James!" Lily launches herself towards him, tackling him. James fights beneath her, shouting "Get off me! Get off me!" and that's when she realizes she's not redheaded and green-eyed.

"James!" she hisses. "It's me, Lily!" And she repeats whatever she'd said to Moody, replacing the last statement with the location of their first date, and his eyes widen exponentially.

"Lily?" he breathes, and Lily could've kissed him right then and there, but the sounds of battle come crashing down upon her ears.

She gets to her feet, casts a Shield Charm with one hand, while helping him up with the other.

Moody suddenly reappears. "Get out of here!" he shouts. "The wards are broken — Apparate now!"

Lily summons whatever strength is left in her, thinks of James, and the world spins away.

They land just outside their cottage in Godric's Hollow, and Lily almost collapses from sheer exhaustion.

James's eyes look at her blankly, as if she's a figment of his imagination. "Lily?" he breathes again, and then he passes out in her arms.

"Oh, James," Lily says finally, after a few moments of staring at her unconscious husband. "Good to have you back."

* * *

 _I'm dead, goodbye, happy Halloween._

 _2509 words_


End file.
